Day 3 reflections.

It’s a bit ironic, don’t ya think, how we tend to avoid that which we need most? It’s true, we do.  If you take the time to check in with yourself, what you need becomes undeniably clear. With awareness focused on yourself, you may come to see that your personal needs are not (always) being fully met. You see, the body needs rest, sleep to be more specific and yet most of our society is sleep deprived. The body also needs sustenance and yet many person’s bodies are yearning for more nutrient dense food, even if the stomach is full. The body needs to be hydrated and yet how often do we find ourselves reaching for another cup of coffee rather than the glass of water our body would love to receive? Our heart (love) needs space to feel, for us to be able to center our energy and return to the peace within —  time to be present to all that we are traversing through is important. Too often though, honest emotional expression is shunned in our society and emphasis is placed on the importance of doing over being.  … The ways in which what we need versus what we do varies. There is no sense in placing blame on ourselves or another for this. There is sense in acknowledging the pattern and beginning to break the cycle, for our own Self: mind – body – spirit in this journey our soul is on now.

So here I am, acknowledging that creating new routines is easier said than done. When I woke up this morning, in the quiet peace of my home in the desert, I heard a voice from within speaking up to let me know that my body – mind and heart could really benefit from a morning meditation practice.  Did I listen? Truth is, yes and no. I heard the voice, but did not honor its request. You see I also woke up with a headache and instead of sitting with it, with my Self, I chose to get up and Do. I made myself breakfast and enjoyed a cup of coffee, while contemplating why it may be that I was choosing to quiet the voice from within (in the moment) instead of honoring it. My initial answer to my Self was that I was responding to the headache I woke up with by answering my body’s want for sustenance and my personal want for a bit of caffeine.  Well, that initial answer was more or less an excuse. It was the story I was telling myself so I could accept my choice to not Be completely present with the energy I woke up with.

By late morning, I found myself feeling insecure, a bit anxious and sad. All that I had not held space to process and Be with was presenting itself in a flurry of mixed emotions. I needed time to be alone when I got home from running some morning errands. My husband saw this and gave me space, choosing to go for a run – gifting himself a practice of meditation in motion. I felt my energy calm a bit, as I cleaned our home, but I did not come to a place of stillness. After he returned from his run, we together ventured out on a hike in the national park. As we hiked, I became a chatterbox, all the thoughts of my busy and somewhat scattered mind surfaced. I hiked and chatted away, talking to my husband, I guess, but really I think I was (more so) setting my thoughts free.  When I stopped hiking, I sat down and started to tear up immediately. I was feeling so much and much of it in that moment was not positive. I recognized how sad I was feeling, truly as a result of the way I has been speaking to myself earlier today. I know many who (too) have confessed that they speak to themselves in ways that they would never speak to a friend, or any other person for that matter.  It is something I continue to work on, it is my journey of self love, of healing, of forgiveness.  I believe this is the real reason why I chose to Do instead of Be with my Self as I began the day. I was nervous that I may find myself overwhelmed by all that I am feeling and saddened by the story I was telling myself of my Self. I know that I, as with all others, am made of the brilliance of the universe, full of its light and incredible love.

I sat in guided meditation later in the evening. (more on that is shared in my next post) Really though, the hike was a meditation, as well. I was present, so present to how I was feeling. I felt the pain of loss from my miscarriage resurface. I felt my concern that my next pregnancy may end in miscarriage and I felt just how much I want to be a mom, to feel a little love of my own growing within. — to know him or her, raising a little Being alongside my husband — that is my greatest dream. Sadness is an expression of love. I am going to continue to hold space for it, even when I wish I were feeling happy. For when I do, happiness comes in, gratitude shines in, for all I have and all I am. Love. I am love. You are love.

My breath practice this evening is: Inhale: Let Be.  Surrender to love. Exhale: Let Go. Release. Surrender to love. 


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