When life seems hard, if you keep at, you can carve love and light into it. – John A.
Love it is our essence.
I pray that through my honest sharing, others may too begin to see the light shining into their journey even on the darkest of days.
It is my darkest day that I share. For in the darkness, it was undeniable that the energy of love moved throughout it. From the way the nurse and doctor held space for me at the E.R. that day, to the way my husband, my partner remained by my side even as he moved through his own sorrow, to the way my sister spent hours on FaceTime doing silly things to make me laugh, comforting me, as the pain continued, to my brothers calling and reaching out and my mom crying with me on the phone – no words needed to be said, her love, my dad’s love were so felt, to puffy eyes that hurt from crying… love was expressed within sadness and pain, love was shared. I know my incredible sorrow to be an expression of the depth of my love, for a life I will never meet and for myself.The journey is not always easy. It is a journey of continued practice and surrender to the moment. It is a journey of love.Wherever you are in life’s journey – do know that you are not alone. I am here to listen to and to talk, as I know are others. Know you can share and you will be heard.
Just over one month ago – I had an experience that shifted my journey, one that I am still healing from & that I believe needs to be talked about more. A little more than one month has gone by & it feels like yesterday & years ago, all at the same time. The truth is I came to know the raw experience of – 1 in 5 – that is 1 in 5 pregnancies resulting in miscarriage. That is loss, heartache & hope all wrapped up together. That gave me no choice but to face my greatest fear, the loss of pregnancy. One month has passed & here I am healing, grieving, traversing the terrain of loss.
I know I want to be a mom, it’s one thing I have been sure of for years now. Through the years, I’ve been blessed to nanny for several families, helping to raise children alongside their parents, loving them as though they are my own. Each child I came to know & love strengthened my resolve that I someday too wish to be momma to a little love of my own. I knew for 1 short & beautiful week that I was pregnant. From the moment I learned this incredible truth, I was changed. My body was not just mine, but a shared vessel for my soul & the little love growing within, I felt the connection mind-body-soul to another Being as I never have before, my understanding of love deepened still & partnership with my husband expanded into the realm of parenthood💕 I know now that we can have children & that is a gift of love itself, even as the journey has included heartache🙏🏻
I want you, wherever you are on the journey of life, to know that you are not alone. Even within the sadness, love shines through.♡ I have chosen not to be silent about the path I am on because I feel that I cannot be, as this path has me feeling raw, broken open & wanting to hold & share space with others through life’s journey, wherever it is you are. My honesty opened my eyes to how many women also walked the terrain of loss. I share so may we know it is not a walk that one needs to take alone ♡
My sweet husband carved love bursting forth into the world through the radiance of the sun’s light in this rock. His support & presence remind me when it feels dark, that light shines through – love is here, with us, always.